Wild Hearts in a Wounded World

This is a long, deep, and vulnerable share. But a worthy one. Writing is medicine for me, and sharing it is medicine for you. So, buckle up, take a little journey with me here.

In the Warrior Goddess community, we talk a lot about running experiments. This is about trying something new or facing parts of ourselves that we’re resistant to with a lightness of heart from the standpoint of the witness. Define your parameters, set your timelines, see what happens, and reassess.

I was listening to HeatherAsh recount the story of an experiment she ran many years ago, about being a type of person that really got under her skin. As I listened to her share her experience, this massive light switched on inside of me that revealed the ways that I had been walling off my heart and sacral. Which means I had been walling off my love and passion. Ooof.

You can’t unsee what has been seen. The lights were on and as I sat and processed this new revelation into my inner landscape, I asked the obvious question. “Okay, what is the experiment that is needed here?” The answer dropped in like a lightning bolt.

Online dating.

Everything in me revolted. F@CK NO! Anything, please, anything but that. I hate online dating. It’s putrid and toxic and no one is going to find anything but trouble in that space. And as my mind spewed all of this out, I was able to stand in the witness and laugh at myself. “Oh, Danette, you backed yourself right into this corner.”

I knew what the experiment was, but it probably took me a good two weeks to actually work through my resistance and put it into action. And when I put it into action, the literal revolt in my body and mind was actually ridiculous. Further showing me that this is exactly why I needed to do it.

So in we went. And all of the usual things that us women expect from online dating spaces happened. That’s fine. I let it roll away while remaining present, open, and redirecting my mindset over and over again. It’s an experiment, Danette. Stay curious and see what happens.

And that’s when it happened. I met a man who ultimately, swept me off my feet. I started out skeptical and cautious, but I found I quickly dropped my guards. He was so different. He spoke different. He acted different. He was checking boxes and felt like everything that I had been asking for. He was showing up, being consistent, and his words and actions were in alignment.

Our bond grew quickly. Our hearts connected and opened to each other and he treated me in such a beautiful way that I honestly don’t think any man has ever treated me before. We talked about our potential, where we could see ourselves going with the relationship, the future that we might have together. It was amazing and I was so pleasantly surprised.

And then he dropped me. Entirely. He told me that he loved and appreciated me and then he pulled the rug out from underneath of me in what seemed like the same sweep. No warning, no discussion, nothing.

Shock. Confusion. Heartbreak. Anger. Just a few of the many things that I was feeling. He refused to speak to me about it. He refused to give me any kind of understanding.

I was so triggered. So hurt. My heart was breaking and my mind was reeling and I spiraled into the pit of how did this happen? What did I miss? What did I do? How were there not glaring red flags? I was grasping at straws trying to understand while facing the truth that I may not ever understand. I may not ever have answers as to why. As to his why.

I could make up all kinds of stories, of course. He’s that good of a liar and fake. I’ve been played like I’ve never been played before. He has mental health issues. He is going through a crisis that he doesn’t want to share. The possibilities are many, and the actual truth remains unknown.

I was standing in the rubble feeling shattered with the knowing that I needed to let go of the stories and what ifs and what did I miss and ask instead, “Now what? How do I clean this up? Where do I go from here?”

I could wallow, wall off, or surrender and plunge into the pain and murky darkness. And believe me, wallow and wall off I did. Because how could you not after an experience like this?

Wallowing deep in the questions of what did I do wrong, and what the f@ck is wrong with men? Because any of you who know my dating and relationship history know that this has been no easy journey for me. I also walled off into the space of why would I ever do this again? I would rather be alone than experience this kind of treatment from any man ever again.

And the BIG question: how could anyone treat another person this way? But the answer to that is because they’re wounded. They’re operating from hurt and pain that I cannot even begin to understand. And I suppose I could be grateful for that. That I cannot even begin to understand what kind of head and heart space you would have to be in in order to treat someone this way.

Now wallowing and walling off are easy options, truly. But plunging into the pain? It can be just as easy to bypass, but that’s also where the true medicine is. To sit with yourself with the broken pieces in the hurt and ask, what can I do with all of this? What is the reflection being shown to me? Is there anything valuable that I can take away from this? Standing back as the observer, getting quiet, and being real honest with yourself.

This is shadow work. It’s hard and brutal, and so worthwhile.

Triggers show us where charges still exist in our body. It’s an opportunity to look at a deeper root. And as I sat in this mess, I saw it. A deeper pattern, one that actually had not much to do with this situation at all.

My fearful avoidant pattern that was so deeply programmed in my subconscious and being, I could not even begin to see how it was operating in the forefront of my everyday life. Now I could see it clear as day. How deep it lived in my body, my nervous system, the dark recesses of my mind, and how it informed my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis.

This was deep.

So here I was, sitting on the other side of a shitty situation that one could argue really never should have happened, but at the same time, I was willing to accept the gift. To be in deeper relationship with myself and begin to dismantle an internal program and all of its intertwined stories so that I can build myself a stronger foundation to stand on.

A brutiful experience…brutal and beautiful.

I get to learn more about myself while also letting go and accepting the unknown. Accepting the truth that I may never know why this all happened. Why he made the choices that he did.

And this is all that any of us can do in these situations. Whatever that hard and dark thing is that you are navigating in your life, remember this:

- Feel your feelings. Wallow if you must. But don’t stay there for too long. Don’t let your feelings consume you; don’t become them.

- Wall off if you must. It’s okay to put up a protective barrier, to retreat into your shell, for a bit. But then remember to soften and open. Walls block the flow of love. I can guarantee that there are people in your life who love and adore you. Let them in.

- Send love and compassion to the person or people involved, and also bring it back to yourself. The phrase ‘hurt people hurt people’ exists for a reason. Don’t take that personally and don’t let that dampen your love and light. Set your boundaries and keep beaming.

- Spend some time hanging out in the shadows. Follow the roots. Be willing to be honest and see truth, whatever that looks like. This is about you, where you can find an opportunity to heal and grow within the mess.

- See if you can find the gifts. In my situation, this man opened me up to love, possibility, and excitement that I have not felt in a long time. He made me able to see potential beyond my current perspective. He invited me to bring down my walls and open my heart. None of those things are bad things.

- Turn on some Fleetwood Mac and get angry. Let that anger surge through your body. Invite it to burn through your emotions. Use that anger to alchemize all those sticky feelings and ignite inspiration and drive.

- Stay with yourself for as long as it takes, do your best each day even if that doesn’t feel like a lot, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know that this too shall pass.

As I navigated my way through this, I was reminded of the firewalking teaching passed down to me from HeatherAsh. Being able to hold the poignancy, preciousness, and challenge of being a human is a gift. And the humbling question is, how do we get big enough—raise our energy enough—to be human knowing that we will get our hearts broken over and over again? Keeping our hearts open and showing up in the arena over and over again is not easy, but it is possible. And, in my opinion, essential.

So the big, final question you might be wondering…are you continuing the online dating experiment? This must be the end, right?

My answer is that I think it is just the beginning…hold my heart and watch this.